Abraxas Inbox

[a_better_man]

For magic written messages
random Horizon threads
and whatnot.

Comments

[a_better_man]

That's just something you decided on your own, you nitwit! You're the only one who decided it was over!

[itookashot]

[There is some time before the next one comes.]

do you know that i wake up every day wishing you were next to me. there's this full sixty seconds when i'm still between dreams and being awake and i think you'll be there and it was all a fucking nightmare

[a_better_man]

Well if you hadn't decided things had to be how you wanted them or not at all, we'd still have that to look forward to.

But according to you, I never even loved you in the first place.

[itookashot]

i may have

some issues

that i haven't handled

[a_better_man]

May? I'd say you certainly do.

I know I hurt you, but it was incidental and not intended. And I hate that I did it, but done's done and all. But you hurt me, Jesper. Badly. And it wasn't unintended. I know I'm a prick that doesn't deserve much, but I'd like to think I deserve a little bit better than being treated like a villain by the fellow I love.

[itookashot]

that's not

mat fuck i'm sorry i didn't want to feed into your self-worth problems that's not what i think about you it's just that

that wasn't

fuck

[a_better_man]

I don't have self worth problems. I know what I'm worth.

Why did you message me?

[itookashot]

no you are worth everything you are wonderful and brilliant and loving and kind and funny and i feel like i'm internally bleeding out without you like i'm empty.

but you are right you deserve better and i shouldn't have messaged you

[a_better_man]

Or maybe you stop being so damned dramatic and just TALK to me?

Anyway, if you stop messaging me I have to go back to the stupid fancy party I'm underdressed for.

[itookashot]

[ A few more minutes go by. ]

sometimes i think people can't love me because i pretend to be everything they want but it's not real

i'm the one who loves too much

[a_better_man]

How could that be the case with me, when I didn't even want anything in the first place?

We're fucked up people. We've been over this.

We're going to fuck up. Things will get fucked up. You have to be able to deal with that.

[itookashot]

you didn't choose me. my mother didn't choose me, she abandoned me, my father wanted me to not be myself, he couldn't love me as i am, not fully. i know you have fucked up family dynamics too i'm not saying i have it worse, but that's how it felt. even if you had good reasons, you still didn't choose me.

[a_better_man]

Alright that's what you felt. But that's not what I did. I wasn't making a choice between you and anything else. I was making a choice to be with you AND be safe.

And I'm not trying to say 'I told you so' but I've already caused multiple accidents including one broken limb.

I told you about what I did back home. How I left my friends because I couldn't take the chance of hurting them or worse. And you agreed that was the right thing to do. It's still the right thing to do, the only difference is I didn't leave you. Just delayed plans.

[itookashot]

but what if it's NOT

what if i CAN'T save everyone in thorne like i said and you're stuck there forever

[a_better_man]

To be quite honest, I don't think Thorne is really what we need to be worried about anymore. They like to keep a short leash and they're hardly trustworthy, but as far as dangers go...

I'm not so sure it's Thorne we need saving from. So what if I can't get out of Thorne right now? You DID save me from actual certain terrible death. Which I'd much rather be saved from than over-protective babysitters anyhow.

[itookashot]

wait you broke your limb??? are you okay??? which limb?

[ Listen he's not the most focused right now. ]

[a_better_man]

No I broke someone else's. My magic did. It's a long story, I have not been functioning well.

Jesper are you drunk?

[itookashot]

not functioning well because

you miss me?

[a_better_man]

Answer my question, Jesper. Are you drunk?

I don't care if you are, I just don't want to have this particular conversation with you if you are. I'm trying very hard to avoid further misunderstandings and I can't avoid those if you're pickled.

[itookashot]

of course i'm DRUNK i'm MISERABLE because i MISS you

[a_better_man]

Well I'm right here, aren't I? Blood and ashes, it's not as though I've gone anywhere.

But I saw my folks try and handle serious discussion when one or both was drunk, and it never went well.

[itookashot]

i wouldn't have messaged you sober

i'm too ????

upset ashamed mad embarrassed sad ????

[a_better_man]

Of course you are. You lost your damn mind at me, Jesper. But if you feel like shit about it then you know you fucked up. But I will be honest. Much as I also feel like shit and miss you, I'm going to need a sober apology.

Did you know one of your friends messaged me to shit on me for a good twenty minutes or so?

[itookashot]

alright that's fair

i guess i wasn't sure you'd hear me out

wait what?

[ It actually doesn't take long to guess. ]

oh. probably kaz. i am heartbroken, it upset him. he can be harsh, i know.

[a_better_man]

Give me some credit.

YOU'RE heartbroken? I'm the injured party here. And he certainly can be.

But he does care about you, I could tell as much.