a_better_man | Abraxas Inbox

"Oh."

It's not like Jesper hasn't talked about Wylan. Mat knows the name, knew there was a history of sorts there. But he's never given it much thought. Why would he? What did it matter here?

Only now...

He doesn't doubt Jesper's words, the assurances that it hardly changes any feelings between them. But it makes him feel a way he can't quite pin down. Some petty, needy little part of him had reveled in the idea that he was special. That Jesper had a whole multitude of lovers but Mat was his love and there was no other. And it had felt good and comforting that were both stumbling through this new thing together, discovering it together.

Stupid, perhaps, but that was the way of the heart. It's a very stupid organ.

"I mean I'm glad for you and all, but I can't say it doesn't make me feel a bit funny. Like I'm stepping on some other fellow's toes, you know?"

Particularly after all that had transpired between himself and Jesper recently.

"I don't mean to say I am, just that's how it sort of feels. I'll get over it."

Now that things seem to be a little bit better, Jesper nestles in a little closer to Mat, still on his knees, running his fingers through that delightful mop of hair. He shakes his head and takes Mat's hand, putting it against his heart. "Mat, what we have, I've never had anything like it."

All of his relationships and loves, they all matter, yes, and he wouldn't say otherwise. But they also are all different. Mat's the kind of love that drives him crazy, spins him around, makes everything feel upside down and yet right at the same time.

"I need you. I don't want to live another day without you. No one will ever change that." And Jesper will keep saying that as many times as he needs to. It's not that Wylan being here doesn't change some things. In his life in Cadens it does, and figuring all of that out, it's going to be complicated. But Mat isn't complicated. He's just Mat.

"I know, Jes, I know. That's not what has me feeling funny. It's just sort of awkward, yeah? And it's got to be hard for him."

It's just a strange situation, and Mat's honestly too worn out to worry much about it right now. It's as though suddenly he's put down a great weight and now he just wants to rest.

"But I'm not jealous and I don't doubt you." Well, he's not jealous much. And that's not even the right word, but he doesn't know the right word. It doesn't matter. Not much really does, at the moment.

"Want to go upstairs and lie down? I'm very much feeling as though I'd like to lie down a bit."

"It is hard on him. We talked a lot of things out. He's a good person, I think you'll like him, under better circumstances." By that he means not when the two of them are potentially vying for the same man. But Jesper can hope that Wylan will come to terms with that. He's not pushing him. He has the time.

"Yes, sweetheart." Jesper leans forward to kiss Mat's forehead and then the top of his head lovingly, moving up into a stand. He takes Mat's hands and encourages him to stand with him. They've been in the bed here more than once so he knows the way blindfolded (literally), but he looks forward to being in Mat's arms again. This is the only way they can, for now.

Jesper gets on the bed first, blinking and his shoes and socks are off, nothing really needing to be on them in the Horizon unless they want it. He reaches out to Mat to encourage him to come, very needy but also still seeming a little shy and uncertain. It will take some time before both of them feel like they're not on shaky ground.

"I'm sorry I upset you and your powers were out of whack." He obviously knows how painful and terrifying that is for Mat. At least he remembers when he's in his right mind.

It really hadn't been that long since the fight. But before that Mat had been held prisoner in a hellish underground plane of misery. It had been a long time, as far as he's concerned, since he'd been with Jesper like this. He'd spent what time he'd had in Nocwich recovering and not up to many visitors...

And then they'd fought.

"And I'm sorry I yelled at you and kicked you out."

He shrugs out of his brocade coat and hangs it, as is his habit, before stretching out on his side in bed. This room doesn't change much, though there's now a long necked theorbo leaning against the wall, and a new bookshelf near to it.

"I took a lot out on you, I think, because you were there and an easy target for a whole lot of nasty things I was feeling."

Still is feeling, to an extent, but there's enough time between his experience and now that Mat has some distance and isn't feeling it all as fresh and clear.

Jesper moves onto his side to look at Mat, reaching out to very gently run fingers through his hair, along his chin. He'd been cleanshaven briefly, it had been very strange at the time. Not that anything was wrong with his beautiful face. He also has felt very adrift and exhausted, running on fumes of anger and sorrow. Watching the execution didn't help. Kell didn't help. Nothing was going to help him outside of making peace with Mat.

"You'd been through something horrific. I should have been there for you." In hindsight so many things are clear, obviously, that he should have kept his temper. After what Mat went through, he needed comfort. He needed to be loved. Jesper sighs.

"My friend Dean died. Saving the others, the people who were still in there." Jesper doesn't think that he was fully aware at the time how much Dean's death was haunting him at the moment. He'd been so focused on getting everyone back. Sam Winchester had to tell him on the magical network, and then he had to try and help the man by talking him through it, offering to tell people about Dean for him.

"I know it's crazy but I still thought we'd all make it. I've been wrong twice." Matthias died when they already were through the insanity, no one expected that. Dean died after getting everyone out of the cavern. It's always when people let their guard down. "His boyfriend seems to be in denial about it." Claiming to everyone that Dean is still alive. But. Jesper wants to believe. He doesn't know yet that Castiel was right.

"It's not an excuse for my state of mind or anything, it was just a really fucking terrible time. I promise when I went in there, all I wanted was to be there for you, and be the best boyfriend you could ever ask for."

"We were neither of us our best selves. I'm sorry about your friend."

Though inwardly Mat is somewhat amazed he's only heard of the one death among Summoned. Considering the conditions, the dangers, the enemy that they'd been up against... Multiple, if one counts the cruel whimsy of nature. That so many survived is frankly miraculous.

"And you're hardly the only one who left me to my misery." So many of the people Mat's close to are simply not the comforting or sympathetic sorts. He'd hardly been on his own, but certainly there had been those he considers himself close to that had been mostly absent in his dark time.

At least Jesper had a good excuse. They'd been in a fight.

"So am I. I told his brother to look on the Horizon, see if something that could only be his domain is still there. That's how sometimes people know if people have left." The domain just disappears, from what he's been told and what he's witnessed for himself when he's lost people here. Luckily he has yet to lose someone who was deeply close to his heart that way. Until Dean.

"It seems stupid to hope, he's only a human, it's not as if he has supernatural healing." Grisha can die just as easily as any other people; they may have powers, but they aren't immortal. Being eaten by a sea creature and dragged into the ocean would definitely kill him. Jesper can't do anything about it now.

Jesper frowns, moving in a little closer to Mat, putting an arm over his side. He looks at his handsome face, troubled by that admission. "People in Thorne aren't good at comfort? What about Wilhelm and Rhy?" Jesper doesn't name Kell because he really doesn't know how he is outside of the bedroom. He might not be the comforting type. Rhy and Wilhelm though, they seem like they could at least try.

"Be surprised what people can live through." Mat gives an awkward little lying down shrug. He doesn't - didn't - know the man. Who's to say what the odds of survival are? Not him. Besides, he understands the need to hope.

"Mmm, yeah. Rhy and Wilhelm made efforts, and light knows I didn't make it easy on them. And Alicent. I...think I may be some sort of pledged knight now, I made her all sorts of promises of protection. She's our age, and very very high born and sheltered." There's no need to describe how poorly equipped to handle life in the pit she'd been. Hence Mat's swearing to look after her and protect her and keep her from harm. He thinks he implied enough for Jesper to infer.

"Barely saw Anakin all month, though. I know he went through hell, too, but he didn't even sleep in our room after. And he's my only roommate, so the nights were...very empty."

Not to mention Anakin is his best friend.

"I've met her, she definitely made me feel protective too. She's lucky to have you." Jesper was very gentle with her in a way he isn't for everyone. She just has that effect on people apparently, so he's not at all surprised. She seemed very sweet and like she was not at all prepared for this place. None of them are, but she is clearly a high born lady. Jesper went from flirty to kind in an instant. He knows better than to play with people who can't handle it.

The arm slung around him angles so he can slide his hand up and down Mat's back in a soothing gesture. After all the pain he put him through, it's difficult not to want to take it all back. To wish that they could turn back time.

He thinks Anakin is like Kaz, from what he knows of him, so he has a few guesses about that one. Jesper is typically a very communicative person, so it took awhile before he got used to that sort of personality.

"Anakin always struck me as someone who probably fears being a burden to others so he holds it all inside. It might be he's doing that with you." He's not his best friend or anything, but Jesper is usually a fairly good judge of character. "I'm sorry you've been so lonely, love. You shouldn't have to go through any of this alone."

"He's not that way with me. He tells me all kinds of things. He was...he had someone to lean on and was doing so. But it still left another hole."

A very empty and looming one. Mat knows it wasn't intentional, but it had hurt him all the same. He'd been bruised and tender already and quick to find misery wherever he could.

"It was just a terrible month to be in a sad state. Everyone had wounds to lick, and not much to spare for anyone else's."

Certainly not Mat's heartbreak, considering what so many of them had just been through. Half the time he'd felt ridiculous himself, being so upset over that when he'd spent a month being starved and tortured and mutating into light knew what. Which did prey on him, and he sure does have nightmares. One positive of having the room to himself - no one to hear him wake up with a scream.

He shifts a bit closer to Jesper.

"It was a terrible month."

"It's alright to feel sad or disappointed that your friend wasn't around for you. You should talk to him, clear the air. He's a good guy, I'm positive he'd listen."

Jesper has many good friends and he often feels confident enough in their standing to be honest with them. If it came to that. Due to his mostly sunny personality, he rarely ends up in conflict with any of them. Mat was a rare exception because of the situation they were in. There were a few times with Kaz that he's had to push conflict. In the end, it's made them closer.

He shifts closer himself when Mat does. Instinctively mirroring him as he feels like the party who wronged so it's up to Mat to decide how he feels about this. He hasn't pulled away from Jesper's affection. Gray eyes are fixed on his face, having thought he wouldn't see it for much longer.

"It was. I'm sorry that I made it worse for you, love. But I'm here now, and you can lean on me."

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