Mat Cauthon (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
a_better_man) wrote2022-02-08 10:17 am
a_better_man) wrote2022-02-08 10:17 am
Entry tags:
Abraxas Inbox
random Horizon threads
and whatnot.
random Horizon threads
and whatnot.
Alright that's what you felt. But that's not what I did. I wasn't making a choice between you and anything else. I was making a choice to be with you AND be safe.
And I'm not trying to say 'I told you so' but I've already caused multiple accidents including one broken limb.
I told you about what I did back home. How I left my friends because I couldn't take the chance of hurting them or worse. And you agreed that was the right thing to do. It's still the right thing to do, the only difference is I didn't leave you. Just delayed plans.
And I'm not trying to say 'I told you so' but I've already caused multiple accidents including one broken limb.
I told you about what I did back home. How I left my friends because I couldn't take the chance of hurting them or worse. And you agreed that was the right thing to do. It's still the right thing to do, the only difference is I didn't leave you. Just delayed plans.
but what if it's NOT
what if i CAN'T save everyone in thorne like i said and you're stuck there forever
what if i CAN'T save everyone in thorne like i said and you're stuck there forever
To be quite honest, I don't think Thorne is really what we need to be worried about anymore. They like to keep a short leash and they're hardly trustworthy, but as far as dangers go...
I'm not so sure it's Thorne we need saving from. So what if I can't get out of Thorne right now? You DID save me from actual certain terrible death. Which I'd much rather be saved from than over-protective babysitters anyhow.
I'm not so sure it's Thorne we need saving from. So what if I can't get out of Thorne right now? You DID save me from actual certain terrible death. Which I'd much rather be saved from than over-protective babysitters anyhow.
wait you broke your limb??? are you okay??? which limb?
[ Listen he's not the most focused right now. ]
[ Listen he's not the most focused right now. ]
No I broke someone else's. My magic did. It's a long story, I have not been functioning well.
Jesper are you drunk?
Jesper are you drunk?
Answer my question, Jesper. Are you drunk?
I don't care if you are, I just don't want to have this particular conversation with you if you are. I'm trying very hard to avoid further misunderstandings and I can't avoid those if you're pickled.
I don't care if you are, I just don't want to have this particular conversation with you if you are. I'm trying very hard to avoid further misunderstandings and I can't avoid those if you're pickled.
of course i'm DRUNK i'm MISERABLE because i MISS you
Well I'm right here, aren't I? Blood and ashes, it's not as though I've gone anywhere.
But I saw my folks try and handle serious discussion when one or both was drunk, and it never went well.
But I saw my folks try and handle serious discussion when one or both was drunk, and it never went well.
i wouldn't have messaged you sober
i'm too ????
upset ashamed mad embarrassed sad ????
i'm too ????
upset ashamed mad embarrassed sad ????
Of course you are. You lost your damn mind at me, Jesper. But if you feel like shit about it then you know you fucked up. But I will be honest. Much as I also feel like shit and miss you, I'm going to need a sober apology.
Did you know one of your friends messaged me to shit on me for a good twenty minutes or so?
Did you know one of your friends messaged me to shit on me for a good twenty minutes or so?
alright that's fair
i guess i wasn't sure you'd hear me out
wait what?
[ It actually doesn't take long to guess. ]
oh. probably kaz. i am heartbroken, it upset him. he can be harsh, i know.
i guess i wasn't sure you'd hear me out
wait what?
[ It actually doesn't take long to guess. ]
oh. probably kaz. i am heartbroken, it upset him. he can be harsh, i know.
Give me some credit.
YOU'RE heartbroken? I'm the injured party here. And he certainly can be.
But he does care about you, I could tell as much.
YOU'RE heartbroken? I'm the injured party here. And he certainly can be.
But he does care about you, I could tell as much.
he's forgiven me worse than anything i could do to you. and he's been harsher to me than he could be to you. we crows are a fucked up group, but we love each other.
if we're going into this with i'm the villain and you're the victim it's not going to go well.
if we're going into this with i'm the villain and you're the victim it's not going to go well.
We're neither of us a villain. I'm just still raw and not above getting a jab or two in at the chance.
oh that's fine then. jab all you like.
would you meet me somewhere in the horizon tomorrow night? i'll be sober i promise.
would you meet me somewhere in the horizon tomorrow night? i'll be sober i promise.
Jesper has been in the Horizon for hours at this point trying to psych himself up. He's wandered into multiple different domains and changed his clothes a dozen times, and it's all because he's full of too many emotions. He hasn't left though or chickened out, that isn't likely. But he needs to get his excess energy and anxiety out so he's done a lot of walking. Some running. Shooting at his own domain for a little while.
At a point, he ends up on Mat's doorstep, literally. He remembers this little building from when he helped Mat come up with it, when they were both brand new to all of this. Jesper sits down in front of the door and he simply waits. For permission to enter, for Mat to show up, whatever it is. He's dressed down quite a lot at the moment, only in a button-up white shirt with a simple red vest over it. No guns, no jacket, no hat, none of his armor physically or metaphorically.
Jesper has also rehearsed at least two dozen ways of approaching this. Of what to say, what not to say. He has options. Normally he likes to go by instinct and say what comes to him in the moment, but obviously that has not worked out really well recently for them. He waits, unsure of what time it actually is on the outside as he's been here for awhile, but it's fine. Long stretches of silence don't kill him or anything. (Joking, they absolutely drive him mad, but he's doing it anyway.)
At a point, he ends up on Mat's doorstep, literally. He remembers this little building from when he helped Mat come up with it, when they were both brand new to all of this. Jesper sits down in front of the door and he simply waits. For permission to enter, for Mat to show up, whatever it is. He's dressed down quite a lot at the moment, only in a button-up white shirt with a simple red vest over it. No guns, no jacket, no hat, none of his armor physically or metaphorically.
Jesper has also rehearsed at least two dozen ways of approaching this. Of what to say, what not to say. He has options. Normally he likes to go by instinct and say what comes to him in the moment, but obviously that has not worked out really well recently for them. He waits, unsure of what time it actually is on the outside as he's been here for awhile, but it's fine. Long stretches of silence don't kill him or anything. (Joking, they absolutely drive him mad, but he's doing it anyway.)
Mat shows up in the Horizon while Jesper is waiting. It's been a few months now since his domain has changed any, that alone a clue to his mood and mindset. Normally he's changing it in some fashion weekly.
The usual animals are around his little manor house. Hend, his horse-sized badger. The creatures in the lake. A fox made of living crystal trots by, giving Jesper a long side look as it goes past.
Shortly, Mat approaches. His beard is back, and his hair is growing out again into its usual untamed mop. He looks as he usually does, though tired. He's really not entirely sure how this is going to go. Jesper certainly seemed like he regrets it all, but he'd been drunk. Light knows all sorts of things come out when drunk that may not be meant when sober. Either way...
He'd said he'd be here, so he is. However this falls out, it has to be better than how things have been.
He climbs the little steps to the porch, eyes downcast and hands in the pockets of his familiar brocade coat.
"Hey."
The usual animals are around his little manor house. Hend, his horse-sized badger. The creatures in the lake. A fox made of living crystal trots by, giving Jesper a long side look as it goes past.
Shortly, Mat approaches. His beard is back, and his hair is growing out again into its usual untamed mop. He looks as he usually does, though tired. He's really not entirely sure how this is going to go. Jesper certainly seemed like he regrets it all, but he'd been drunk. Light knows all sorts of things come out when drunk that may not be meant when sober. Either way...
He'd said he'd be here, so he is. However this falls out, it has to be better than how things have been.
He climbs the little steps to the porch, eyes downcast and hands in the pockets of his familiar brocade coat.
"Hey."
Jesper was drunk when he messaged Mat and in truth, he remembers about 70% of it. It was the first part he doesn't fully remember because as the conversation went, he got soberer and soberer, so the important bits were closer to his right mind. But some of it did get lost. He assumes he was a bit of a prick, he's not been at his best for a long time. But Mat did say he'd meet him.
It would be justified if he simply never showed up though.
Jesper is not a stranger to shame. In fact, shame is an emotion he knows better than most. He felt ashamed of being a Grisha growing up because his father hated/feared it, he was ashamed when his addiction dropped him out of school into the gutter, he's drowned in shame about gambling for years, including up to only a few months ago. But he is used to that being the major source of his shame, as bad behavior isn't very common for him.
He stands when Mat comes into view and also looks away, to the side, embarrassed. There is also still some residual anger and hurt in him too, it's not as if he is entirely past the way it all made him feel. It just isn't the primary way he feels anymore.
"I'm sorry." It has to be the first thing he says, obviously. It has to be the first real words between them. He was the fuck up. He's not a prideful person in truth. He usually sees himself pretty clearly. "For what I said to you that day and how I acted."
It would be justified if he simply never showed up though.
Jesper is not a stranger to shame. In fact, shame is an emotion he knows better than most. He felt ashamed of being a Grisha growing up because his father hated/feared it, he was ashamed when his addiction dropped him out of school into the gutter, he's drowned in shame about gambling for years, including up to only a few months ago. But he is used to that being the major source of his shame, as bad behavior isn't very common for him.
He stands when Mat comes into view and also looks away, to the side, embarrassed. There is also still some residual anger and hurt in him too, it's not as if he is entirely past the way it all made him feel. It just isn't the primary way he feels anymore.
"I'm sorry." It has to be the first thing he says, obviously. It has to be the first real words between them. He was the fuck up. He's not a prideful person in truth. He usually sees himself pretty clearly. "For what I said to you that day and how I acted."
"Yeah." Mat nods, though his eyes stay downwards. It's hard to look at Jesper right now, the chaos of emotions it brings. He's still hurt, he's still cautious, but he never wanted to end things in the first place. Whatever had happened, it isn't as though it had changed those feelings.
All of it amounts to a great and confusing mess of emotions.
"I'm sorry, too. It got out of hand."
Much as he'd needled Jesper about the things he'd done and said, Mat knows he's not an innocent party in all of this. He hadn't made anything better and he'd lost his temper. He'd played a part in the mess.
An apology is owed on both sides.
All of it amounts to a great and confusing mess of emotions.
"I'm sorry, too. It got out of hand."
Much as he'd needled Jesper about the things he'd done and said, Mat knows he's not an innocent party in all of this. He hadn't made anything better and he'd lost his temper. He'd played a part in the mess.
An apology is owed on both sides.
"We were both in a really fucked up place and we shouldn't have had that conversation right away."
With Mat having just been out of a horrific situation and still healing, and Jesper having gone off a several week killing spree, neither of them were anywhere in their right minds. They didn't have to make a decision in that moment, or even talk about it right away. It was days before Mat had to go anywhere. At the time, Jesper had been so determined to have something good, he couldn't wait.
"You know how people can get memories shoved into their head all of a sudden?" It's happened to a few people around here and he heard it was intense but. "It happened to me. I got an entire year." An entire year just like the year he has spent here. It wasn't a bad year, but it was a lot of information to an already on edge and scrambled mind.
"I just wanted to be happy." His voice breaks a little and he breathes in, lets it out. "And you make me the most happy ...."
With Mat having just been out of a horrific situation and still healing, and Jesper having gone off a several week killing spree, neither of them were anywhere in their right minds. They didn't have to make a decision in that moment, or even talk about it right away. It was days before Mat had to go anywhere. At the time, Jesper had been so determined to have something good, he couldn't wait.
"You know how people can get memories shoved into their head all of a sudden?" It's happened to a few people around here and he heard it was intense but. "It happened to me. I got an entire year." An entire year just like the year he has spent here. It wasn't a bad year, but it was a lot of information to an already on edge and scrambled mind.
"I just wanted to be happy." His voice breaks a little and he breathes in, lets it out. "And you make me the most happy ...."
"No, we shouldn't have."
It had been damned stupid. In hindsight, he should have just said as much. That they could talk about it later. But neither of them had, and here they were.
"But light...you do, too. Make me happy, I mean. And I meant what I said - even if I didn't leave last month, I do plan to leave someday. When it's safe."
Mat moves to sit on the steps, leaning forward to rest his chin on his knees. He hates all this, the having to talk about feelings and all of that. Always feels like he's going to trip over his own tongue. It's so easy when he's just pretending, but when it's real...
"I didn't change my mind, I'm just trying to be smart and safe about this. I swear it, Jesper."
It had been damned stupid. In hindsight, he should have just said as much. That they could talk about it later. But neither of them had, and here they were.
"But light...you do, too. Make me happy, I mean. And I meant what I said - even if I didn't leave last month, I do plan to leave someday. When it's safe."
Mat moves to sit on the steps, leaning forward to rest his chin on his knees. He hates all this, the having to talk about feelings and all of that. Always feels like he's going to trip over his own tongue. It's so easy when he's just pretending, but when it's real...
"I didn't change my mind, I'm just trying to be smart and safe about this. I swear it, Jesper."
Jesper watches him and reaches out tentatively to run his fingers through Mat's dark mop of hair. Gentle, uncertain. He stays standing for a moment which really makes him seem like he's hovering, so he goes down to his knees in front of him, still just touching his hair.
"I let all the worst voices in my head win. All my doubts and fears. The heralds all over again." Jesper pretends to have a much more upbeat and cheerful side, someone who doesn't get let down easily. He's not as obvious about his brooding and sadness, but it's always there under the surface. In some ways, they are a lot alike. Wheels without fortune.
The heralds ripped through him, caused him to give into his worst impulses and drown in his addiction, and he felt that darkness again looking for his loved ones. Or maybe it never left him, not really.
"I didn't want to end things. I didn't want to hurt you but I ... I don't know, Mat. I keep doing it anyway to the people I love."
"I let all the worst voices in my head win. All my doubts and fears. The heralds all over again." Jesper pretends to have a much more upbeat and cheerful side, someone who doesn't get let down easily. He's not as obvious about his brooding and sadness, but it's always there under the surface. In some ways, they are a lot alike. Wheels without fortune.
The heralds ripped through him, caused him to give into his worst impulses and drown in his addiction, and he felt that darkness again looking for his loved ones. Or maybe it never left him, not really.
"I didn't want to end things. I didn't want to hurt you but I ... I don't know, Mat. I keep doing it anyway to the people I love."
"You and me both."
Mat sighs. He knows he's as guilty of that as Jesper is. They're very similar, the pair of them. Hurt just...happens, sometimes.
"Suppose that's something we'll have to steel ourselves against. And be careful of. S'like a...a treacherous mountain path. It's fine, long as you know what to look out for and recognize oncoming danger."
And perhaps they could both be a bit better at the whole sharing of what they're feeling thing. Try doing it calmly and rationally for a change. It's just so damned easy to get all worked up, and start yelling from the heart and not the mind.
But that's what got them in this mess in the first place.
Mat sighs. He knows he's as guilty of that as Jesper is. They're very similar, the pair of them. Hurt just...happens, sometimes.
"Suppose that's something we'll have to steel ourselves against. And be careful of. S'like a...a treacherous mountain path. It's fine, long as you know what to look out for and recognize oncoming danger."
And perhaps they could both be a bit better at the whole sharing of what they're feeling thing. Try doing it calmly and rationally for a change. It's just so damned easy to get all worked up, and start yelling from the heart and not the mind.
But that's what got them in this mess in the first place.
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